No waifu no laifu

Are you still into that anarchist thing?

Which one?

You know, that one with a weird german name.

Zeitgeist?

That one.

Well, many things have changed since we used to go to the zeitgeist meetings from our Australian chapter. I have I given up on the hopes of being part of a system based on the efficient use of resources and sustainable development instead of a money-based economic system. The answer would be no, I haven’t given up, I just happen to live in a communist country where people actually thinks it’s ok to be gunned down if they complain about their government.

You know they don’t get killed right away right? They get tortured and their organs are removed while they are still alive to sell them to the highest bidder.

I know that 60.000 falung gong people, Tibetans, Muslims, etc all killed because of their organs because Chinese government wants more and more money, they can’t get enough of it. Western countries criticize China all the time because of their human right abuse records but they fail to see that the Chinese government does it just for the money, because they have been brought up to believe money is their god. I don’t think I’m an anarchist for following the zeitgeist movement, nor am I an anarchist for believing our socioeconomic system is structurally corrupt and in need of replacement. I really truly believe in the function of a government that looks after people, it’s just that the ones we currently have are more into harvesting organs and thrashing down everything than into taking care of their people.

And because of a vague understanding of how childish it is to hate the governments and how immature am I in some of my political views, I actually admire the venus project people for being mature enough for not needing to place blame on any individual or group of individuals. They know politicians are merely a product of a socioeconomic system in need of change and they planned every single step of the transition process. While some of us are just complaining and looking for someone to take the blame for our problems, they are actually solving them, all of them.

And are you still into conspiracy theories?

That would depend on your definition of a conspiracy theorist.

If you think a conspiracy theorist is someone who believes our politicians are reptiles, they hide aliens and secret messages all around then no, I’m not a conspiracy theorist. If you think a conspiracy theorist is someone who believes rich, powerful people meet behind closed doors to talk about ways to stay rich or get more power then the answer would be yes. And in my eyes, any idea or “conspiracy” would be automatically dismissed as false once the paranormal has been introduced to it. Either the paranormal or the complicity of more than a few dozen people. So yes, it’s very probable that 10 or 20 people got together and planned to assassinate some politician or blow up some building so they would have an excuse to invade a country to take over their drugs or oil industries. But no, you wouldn’t get thousands of scientists to agree on a wrong concept, the more people need to be involved for it to work, the higher the chances of the conspiracy not working.

Ok, so you believe only in conspiracies that don’t have supernatural points to it, that have less than a few dozen people on it and that involves the government doing something bad to the people because you hate the governments and you love the people, especially the underprivileged ones, right?

Well, when you say it like that…

In other words, you would accept a conspiracy theory to be true only if it helps you prove your point that governments are evil. If it doesn’t do good to your agenda, you would dismiss it. Or if they include something you don’t want to believe in, like the paranormal.

It’s not that I don’t want to believe…

Now that we are somehow in the realm of the unexplained, I heard you have been keeping a dream journal this year, is that right?

Out of curiosity mostly.

Because you read that article about lucid dreams, and you decided to do what they say and see if it’s true?

Yes, but just out of curiosity, there’s not much research done about it, and I have to dream anyway every night, so an inquisitive mind would try experimenting with it. Keeping a journal, doing reality checks to make sure I’m awake, if it doesn’t work at least it may help with my overall awareness of my place in this vast cosmic ocean.

Either that or you want to learn it so you can gang bang some Russian midgets or something.

What? No…

Bang some aliens?

That’s just sick!

Bang some character from an anime or video game?

That would be quite cool actually

Spot on!

No no, I mean that just sounds better than aliens or midgets but it doesn’t mean I would like to do it. I wouldn’t want my readers to think I’m weird or creepy, right?

It’s a bit late for that, they know you are weird and creepy because they have been reading you for a few years.

But I wouldn’t want to make it worse.

You just did.

I don’t get it, why do we have to bang something in the first place? Where did that come from?

I don’t know, we are sexual beings?

Are we? Or we chose to be so? Or we believe we are so? Are all animals sexual beings because they have sex or reproduce? How about plants? Or bacteria?

Bacteria are asexual beings, they just replicate themselves, so no, single cell asexual microbes are definitely not sexual beings.

How about plants? Are they sexual beings?

I guess plants can reproduce either sexually or asexually so whether they are sexual beings or not would depend on the kind of plant, but you’re not going to redirect the conversation so easily, I want to know which video game character would be the lucky one.

From the top of my head and assuming we live in a hypothetically futuristic utopian world, where banging video game characters is both socially accepted and encouraged, and if I absolutely ought to choose one so I won’t get banished from home or shunned by other members of this futuristic society, I’d say Aya Brea from Parasite Eve.

Really? I would have guessed some Final Fantasy character, maybe Selphie or Yuffie.

This conversation really took an unexpected turn. But I gues that if Aya would be somehow unavailable my second choice would probably be Athena from KOF.

How about a third one?

Maybe Ayame from Tenchu?

That’s cool, that’s cool, not creepy at all.

A little creepy.

It’s all hypothetical remember?

Of course.

See you next time?

That’s right.

 

About Tommy

 

Tommy, is a aJpanese pop/rock/punk singer I used to be obsessed with some years ago.

Kawase Tomoko, used to be the lead singer of the brilliant green, then went solo, got another band, then went back with the brilliant green. She’s not sooo popular, but most people in Japan would know some of her songs.

First time I heard her songs, I thought they sounded so cute, a new sound, like nothing I had heard before.

I got even more into her after watching some of her concerts, mostly because of her stage presence, she looks just too awkward on stage, like she doesn’t know what she’s doing or like she doesn’t want to be there at all

It’s like she doesn’t care about the audience at all and that’s actually quite awesome, considering most Japanese singers always suck up to their audiences

And some rock singers pretend they don’t care but their body language betrays them and you can tell they actually really care

Tommy has a nice voice but always sings like she’s annoyed and doesn’t really want to sing. It’s strange but that’s also what makes her special. I don’t really know why I like her so much, but I’m am glad I do, because she makes me feel stuff I wouldn’t be able to feel otherwise, endorphin, adrenaline, oxytocin, I don’t know, just that rush you feel when you are in love, makes you invincible

May she be the reason I like older woman? Probably not, as she doesn’t really looks her age and appears to be quite childish and immature.

Or maybe I like her because she looks like she’s got even more issues than me.

Or her attitude, she’s always like “ufff” and i’m like “ufff” and wonder why she’s like “ufff”, then she coughs, sighs and yawns on stage, most times she just looks down and I wonder why she does that.

What is it that’s annoying her so much? Why is she so bored on stage?

Why is she singing if she doesn’t want to sin?

I don’t know but maybe apathy is the new sexy?

Probably not

Living in Asia as a vegetarian 1

How to survive in south and far east asia as a vegan/vegetarian:

Japan:  Pretty tough. Fruits and veggies are crazy expensive, only affordable options are udon, katsu-udon but have to fish out some seafood from it, tempura, and foreign restaurants which cost at least twice as much as local ones. The only cheap supermarket is called “super tamade” where they sell lots of pre-cooked vegetarian options, and of course sushi, tempura, salads, at around 100 or 200 yen a tray. Hyaku-en, 100 yen shops are your best friends to find some salads, fruits, drinks, noodles and many other things. It’s pretty much same as a 7/11 but everything costs 100 yen. And as a last resource you can always throw away the inside thing of the onigiri and eat the rest.

Korea: Moderate. While eating out you have like 2 options, kimbab or bibimbab. While ordering kimbap make sure you say something like “ham bek chusaio” so they dont put ham on it. If you’re not vegan there’s always “Pizza school”, they are everywhere and you can get a huge pizza for 5.000 won. Street food is alright, there’s a fish-shaped pastry that has red beans inside and is pretty cheap, often you can find tempura and fried veggies. They have many chigae, which is like a stew or hot pot, sundobu chigae, or kimchi are good but you may have to take out some seafood from it.
Mr pizza could be the best value for money restaurant, they have salad buffet for 6.000 won, so all you can eat of salads, fruits, some cold noodles and other stuff.

China: Fairly easy. Fruits and veggies are dime a dozen and they are everywhere, options are plenty, rice and noodles with vegetables everywhere, beans, vegetable bbq at night. They use almost no dairy while cooking, so very easy for vegans.

Taiwan: Very easy. By far best vegetarian food in east Asia. Vegetarian restaurants everywhere, and most normal restaurants have at least a few vegetarian options. Great variety, affordable and extremely tasty. Even 7/11 are quite cheap and have fresh fruits and salads, noodles, vegetarian fried rice, vegetarian dumplings, fries, nuts, pastries, tofu and many other things.

Malaysia: Delicious Indian food, samosa, curries, roti, paratha, puri, chapati, many dosas, delicious Chinese vegetarian restaurants, delicious Malay food, some fried noodles, rice with veggies, lost of street food and fruits. From Penang, to Melaka, to Sabah, most dishes are delicious + juice bars + fruits everywhere.

Philippines: Probably worst food in SE Asia, there are some fruit markets and western food places, so it’s possible to kind of get by on a vegetarian diet.

Laos: Rice with veggies + fruits.

Singapore: Same as Malaysia, just more pricey.

Indonesia: Not as bad a Philippines, but local cuisine doesn’t have much to offer for vegetarians, there’s is gado gado and that’s pretty much it. You may find some Indian food in Bali if you’re lucky, but in Sumatra, Java or Borneo you’re going to eat your rice with veggies, every day + fruits 🙂

 

What’s your visa?

I met some North American friends the other day that are still quite new to Taiwan, and they couldn’t stop laughing when I told them Taiwanese people always ask me about my visa status.
Young and old people alike they are like really interested to know what visa foreigners have.

At the beginning, I didn’t understand why they were laughing, because after some years in Asia I just got used to people asking about that, in Japan, Korea and Taiwan people for some reason really need to know what your visa status is.

In south-east Asia they don’t seem to care about that though.

Maybe people here need to make sure you’re legally staying in the country or they want to see if you will stay a long time, or maybe it’s to check your social status, so they can judge you by how much money you have, as people without the working visa can’t work here, so they are automatically assigned a lower social status, either by being poor or by being forced by the system to work “illegally”. Because sadly we live in a country where is illegal for a human being to work. And even more sad is the fact that people here think that’s right, because the government says so, and everything the government says is right.

People with a student visa are somehow under the wing of a recognized government institution in the country, making them decent citizens, as they are part of the system that helps maintain the status quo. Unless they got the visa attending a language school or private institute, instead of an university. In that case, they are assigned the same social status as someone on a tourist visa.

People on a tourist visa, unless they are tourists, get placed in this underdog category, not yet a criminal but not someone they would like to hang out with either.

To conclude, in the eyes of Taiwanese, Korean, Japanese people they use the visa question with this simple formula to judge the foreigners:

Working visa = Good people
Student visa = Good people (unless it’s from a language school)
Tourist visa = Bad people

Coming back to the laughs though, first I didn’t get it, but then I saw how ridiculous it sounded because they sound like police when they ask you that. And because as a foreigner myself, if somebody comes to the country I live, It would never even cross my mind to ask them about their visa, but maybe also times have changed now and I’ve been a foreigner for too long, got used to that and started seeing it as normal, or just the way it is.

But when we meet someone from another culture they help us see things from a different perspective, and sometimes no words are needed, but a rapid honest laugh can make us understand how flawed our position really is.

Ready to die 2

I’m still trying to wrap my head around the concept of death.

I learned that life is fragile, and unless you’re a very basic form of life, for most of us advanced organism with many cells and organs, there’s only one.

So we gotta make the most of it, right? Or does it even matter?

Life is so fragile that if a bus hits me while I’m crossing the street I will die and everything I did all these years will not matter at all.

Whether I build a space station or stay at home masturbating every day for 20 years will make no difference whatsoever, because I will close my eyes and will never open them again, pretty mind blowing right?

Now that’s not a valid excuse to stay at home masturbating I know if everyone thought like that we wouldn’t get anywhere, but it’s hard to know that all the things you’ve accumulated all these years will be gone.

I’m not talking about material things of course, but about knowledge and experience, all the things you’ve done and thing’s you’ve learned, the people you’ve met, gone just like that, the bus hits you and that’s it.

Maybe the bus doesn’t hit you, maybe it’s just a bicycle, it hits your chest and a rib punctures your heart, and you get some internal bleeding, or you step on something and break your neck. Our bodies are so fragile, that every day we could die in a million different ways.

In Japan some people go to die at the Aokigahara forest, many others jump in front of the train, some jump from the window at work or at school.

Up to 30.000 Wapanese kill themselves every year, that’s one every 15 minutes.

Around 15.000 a year in South Korea, so like 1 every half an hour.

And that’s just 2 countries.

Sociologists and psychologists say the causes of suicide are usually stress, competition, social pressure and emotional isolation, but I wonder is it really that, or those people realized it didn’t really matter whether they lived or died.

That either now or in a few years or when they are old, but they will have to die, there’s no way around it. So they chose to do it sooner than later.

In the animal kingdom, there are only a few insects that can willingly take their own lives for no apparent reason. Most of them try to adapt to their environment, to the food they find, to the weather, to some stimuli.

But not us, some humans, especially east-asian humans will jump from the building, just like that.

That reminds me of once I did bungee jumping in China, I was so scared, and they had to push me.

How can some people do it without getting pushed I can’t understand?

 

Making love

Today I was going through some old playlists just to see what was on them, and suddenly…

…I started crying! And I thought, oh god why.

That was very strange because I very seldom cry, and I wasn’t even having a bad day, it was quite good actually.

And I wasn’t even paying attention to the lyrics I was doing something else.

So I checked the song, and it was a song I hadn’t heard since 2006 “making love” by Utada Hikaru.

And I remembered, how that song always used to make me cry every time I heard it.

So there was an inbuilt mechanism in my subconscious that was automatically triggered by that song

I thought I was stronger than that

but I couldn’t resist

the song had used painful memories

and it was super effective!

 

Someone that I’ve never known

The other day, I was talking to a friend while we were waiting to shoot some scenes and the subject of western-Asian relationships popped up.


She’s originally from north america, but has been living in Korea for a number of years now, and had the chance to date a bunch of korean guys, so we started talking about the differences between dating koreans vs dating western guys. 


For me as a guy, always find it amusing to hear the female point of view of the asian dating scene. because you see white guys with asian girls all the time everywhere, but white girl with asian guys, that’s still a pretty rare sight.


After talking about it for a while, she told me how she hated the way korean guys “broke up” with her and the lack of straightforwardness in pretty much all of her relationships.


You know how in the west usually, after someone says “we need to talk” you sit and talk about it, then someone says “it’s not you, it’s me” or “this isn’t working”, then you blame each other, scream, cry, slam the door or whatever and never see each other again.


Well, in korea, you just skip the whole process straight to the never see each other again part. The guys will just stop calling her and wont pick up her calls from one day to the other for no apparent reason.


But in the west we usually need that close up, in order to move on with our life, instead she would be wondering for a few weeks, what’s really going on, are we over, are we still together, did I do something wrong, did he do something wrong.


I had noticed that before, and had some relationships in korea and japan, that after a few years I’m actually still wondering, what the hell happened there? One day we were like big time in love and the next one she wouldn’t take my calls anymore and had vanished from my life completely. 


Instead of somebody that I used to know, she would become somebody I have never known. 




In Japan for example, divorce usually works something like this:




1- Husband comes home and finds that his partner’s belongings have disappeared.


2- He finds the divorce papers on the table or are delivered by someone the same day. 


3- He signs the papers or gives them to his lawyer.


4- He forever wonders what the hell happened.




How’s that for some loose ends? 😉




And as for my experience, it’s not just like that for dating, but for friendships and work relationships as well. One day best friends, next day total strangers, one day best employee, next day fired for no reason.





We know of course, that this comes from a need to avoid awkward situations, which is totally understandable, but as westerners who of course, still highly value honesty and straightforwardness in our daily relationships, it comes as a bit of a pain, to never really know what’s going on with the other person. 


Because they will treat you exactly the same way either they love you or they hate you.


On the positive side though, that’s why people usually decide to move to a different country, to experience all those little differences and nuisances in everyday life.


And hopefully, hopefully, learn something from them as well.

Japan 2

From all the countries I’ve been to, Japan was, for some reason, the one that made me wish I could live there forever. I don’t know if it was the kinky porn, the children’s cartoons or the depressingly suicidal business people. I’m not sure, but there was just something there that made me want to stay.



And while in Osaka I tried as hard as I could to find a way to stay there permanently, and the only way I could find of doing that, considering I wasn’t ready for an arranged marriage yet, it was by trying to find a job, and committing myself to a life of paid slavery, which I was, by the way, totally cool with.


And I still am, I still think that I’d rather wait tables somewhere I like than make millions somewhere I hate.


So, coming back to Osaka I came across what at the moment seemed to be my dream job, easy, no stress, in the city I liked, with the people I liked, flexible hours, high pay, everything was perfect, and when I applied for it, my employer said the same most employers had told me while in Japan, he said: “No, because you don’t have a working visa”.


That phrase brought along several phases with it, ranging from several hours to several days long.




1 – Denial – I would think: “Maybe the employer was just having a bad day, it happens to everyone, I’ll just give him a call again tomorrow and if he says no I’ll just try somewhere else, it can’t be me, I’m just perfect just the way I am”.


2 – Self pity – I would think: “Actually it is me, it’s all my fault, why didn’t I didn’t pay attention in high school, why I didn’t dress better, they only asked you for a valid working visa, university degree, transcripts, cover letter, police background check, letter of recommendation, doctor’s health certificate, alien registration card, insurance card, tax payer card, drivers license, etc, and you couldn’t provide it, you are worthless, useless Bruno, it’s all your fault.


3 – Appreciation – I would think: “F**k this s**t, I’m European, I don’t need this s**t from anyone. I don’t need that job, and I don’t even need to be here anyway. The only reason why I’m here, is because I knew it would be a challenge, this is what I wanted, and actually I’m just a spoiled brat who had such an easy life in Europe that he decided to get out there to live it rough for a while, so he can appreciate what he had back home and actually I’m much better off unemployed, I can sleep late tonight, meet my friends and go cycling along the river tomorrow, that’s what life’s about”


4 – Objectivity – I would think (and I would know) that actually… if I was my employer I would probably be making the same decisions as he, because if he hires someone who’s not legally allowed to work here, he could face steep fines, closure of his business and maybe even jail time. So, of course, he doesn’t want to take the risk, no one would. He’s actually a pawn just like me, standing in the frontline, defending someone else’s interest, fighting someone else’s war.


I knew my employer quite well actually, he was far from being the ruthless corporate rich bastard we always associate our bosses with, he was a normal guy, just like me, he also had to feed his children, pay rent, deal with a million people complaining about everything, he also had problems, fears, and insecurities and he was just trying to make a living and get by in life as safely as possible. Same as me, same as everyone else.


And he was actually quite a smart guy, he had been in Japan for 10 years and seemed to understand the system quite well, and he explained to me that the Japanese system, same as most systems it’s actually a loop: to find a job you need to have a working visa, to have a working visa you need to first get a job, which of course you can’t get because you don’t have a working visa.


But I’m sure it’s the same in your country, most jobs ask you to have work experience, which of course you can’t get because they won’t give you a job because you don’t have work experience.


I knew it wasn’t this particular employer who didn’t want me to get a job, it was the government.


But the government, is chosen by the people, right? Japan is still a democratic country, right? Wrong.


Try this, go out on the street and ask random passersby for the solution to a technical problem, they will now know it of course, that’s how democracy works, ask 100 million people with not technical knowledge whatsoever for the answer to a technical problem and they will either don’t know it, don’t care about it or get deceived into following someone who tells them he has the answer (so they don’t need to look for it themselves).


This is especially true in Japan, where most people have conveniently decided to either shut down their brains and just follow the herd or plugging it into a computer and living in an alternate universe. Am I generalizing? Probably, but I think I’m allowed to generalize about a country I studied for a few years, worked and lived, I bothered to learn the language and kind of understand the culture. It is still generalizing, but if there was going to be a revolution in every country, I can be quite sure that Japan would be the last one. Because in Japan complaining is not an option. You just look down and do as you’re told. 


Every loop has a loophole though. Good people disobey bad laws and the younger generations are growing more and more aware of the problems we are facing. Some of them are even aware of the solutions. 


I met some of them, and it was quite a refreshing feeling, like a breeze of fresh air.


If you meet 100 people and they have all the same idea, but then someone comes with a totally new idea which is completely opposite, it can be like a ray of sunlight, in an otherwise extremely cloudy day.


These people proved me that there’s still hope for Japan, there’s still hope for the human race, there’s still hope for me and for you, and I really wish that next time I go to Japan, I’m wont be needing a working visa anymore, nor a passport, nor money. 


Just a smile, just a smile and a little flower.

Music

Come to think about it, most memories I have are associated with some music.


My first recollection of music was when I was 12 or 13 years old, some bands that played on some radio somewhere, Nek, El Simbolo, Los Autenticos Decadentes, Aqua, Fey, Toy Box and that was it.


Some years latter, got my hands on an old walkman, and 3 cassettes: Hayashibara Megumi, Ska-P and Blink 182, this was back in Rosario, I was maybe 16 years old. listened to them all day long.


Still back there most memories are still linked to songs or music.


At Wilson’s place there was usually Hamazaki Oyumi, Okui Masami or Too Mix playing In the background, utada if we were lucky.


While hitting the highway on alejo’s car there was always some dance music, eiffel 65, sasha, or music from DDR.


At rodrigo’s place there was cumbia, at sebastian’s there was always either 70’s disco, like earth wind and fire or some ballads, like luis miguel or alex ubago.


At belkis or my friends from missericordia there was always AFI or alejandro sanz.


If I hang out with the guys from normal 2 there was usually nightwish, cradle of filth, rhapsody or stratovarious.



There were some strange people who always listened to bjork and there were this two sisters who played nobou uematsu. and ariel always wanted to make listen to boom boom kid and fun people.


come to think about it, all my friends in argentina had very different music taste, so i got to know lots of new music from them.


After that the mp3 came in, I skipped the cds stage. One day there were some cassettes in my life and then suddenly the computers came along, which brought the mp3, rendering audio files instantly obsolete.


I remember having bought only one CD in my life, but it was probably the most important one: “terra” by larc n ciel.


By the time I was 18 years old, the mp3 brought along many good bands for me, daft punk, smash mouth, the offspring, green day, sum 41, aerosmith, bryan adams, BoA, leo garcia, el otro yo, guns and roses, bon jovi, nirvana, the beatlles, the corrs, savage garden, ricardo arjona, the doors, dire straits, estopa, u2, mozart, tchaikovsky and all the classical delights.


After that, my time in spain is remembered through lots of strange music I dont think i can describe, and while riding the bus on the way to work, there was m2m, marit larsen and hilary duff playing on my mp3 player. What was I thinking, i dont know.


When I think of my time in germany the first band that comes to mind is kings of covenience. Always playing in my room, specially on those cold winter afternoons, snow outside, opening the windows to let some fresh air come in, stretching in bed. 


I’m actually still very much in loved with Berlin, with my apartment in friedrischain, with all those worn out buildings, falling apart windows, midnight bicycle rides, flash mobs, volkskuche, the umsonsladden, kopi, kreuzberg, neukoln, patryk, jurgen, julie, mia, morris, caspar and the others, treptower park, those reggae bars with fake sand by the river, the lakes, grunau, the camps, sleeping by the shore of the lakes, snow, couchsurfing guests, hitchhiking trips, the abandoned houses, the art galleries, maoz, the 1 euro falafel, the nights playing werewolf, the morning playing firsbee, football, turkish sweets, sunday brunches, the 1 euro glass wines, graffiti walls, the boat parties, the berlin wall, alexander platz, the trams, long walks, never knowing what’s going on, and always kings of convenience playing, sometimes cafe del mar, norah jones, maybe regina spektor. 


In india I stopped listening to music, maybe it interrupted my thoughts, but I could connect with the soudns of the ocean, of the birds, of the trees, the wind, the animals.


In china I got really into korean music for some reason, I think it was just because I didnt like chinese music so much, so was looking for an alternative.


In japan, mostly thanks to the music i got to understand why i love japan, and why i hate it also. funkey monkey babies, mr children, sakamoto maya, perfume, ringo shiina, x japan,yoko kano,  ketsumeishi, those isakaya nights, those sunday afternoon concerts at osaka jo, those walks by the river, those camping nights, tempura, those small rooms, the smell of tatami beds, hot summer nights,
I always thought no one understood me like the girls from bennie k and no music would reach me as “the brillant green” did.


The most important memories i have are all linked to some emotion, which are in turn brought back to me, by listening to this bands, once again.

Japan

At the time of writing, I found myself on the top of a small hill on the Japanese island of Tsushima.

Even though it’s a not such a high hill, from it you can see pretty much the whole island. I can see the only school on the island with some children playing football, I can see the ships coming and going, probably on the way to Korea, some other hills and a few roads with almost no cars and no traffic.

It’s a very quiet island indeed, I’ve only seen a handful of people in the last few hours.

And I remember it was in 2010, the last time I was in Japan, since then I had forgotten all those conflicting feelings and what being in Japan represents for me.

All my life I’ve felt lonely, that’s nothing special I guess, everyone feels lonely, but for me Japan represents my true nature, the one I can’t escape from, the one buried deep in my mind and the one that makes me understand, that it’s just me, there’s no one else.

Before I came to Japan for the first time, I had spent the last 10 years preparing for that moment and had probably spent more time into Japanese stuff, manga, anime, video games, music, books, etc, that I had spent at school or with friends. So in my mid 20’s I knew more about Japanese culture, art, and history that I knew about any other country.

All my life I felt like Japan was calling me, it was drawing me, but for some reason I didnt make it there until recently, mostly because I was afraid. I was afraid that it would be expensive, that I wont be able to find a job, I thought maybe my japanese wasn’t good enough, afraid of the discrimination foreigners face here but mostly I was afraid of what I could find here, something I knew it existed, I knew it was here waiting for me, but I didn’t quite understand yet.

I was afraid of my true nature and to understand that it was the end, that that was it, Japan was the end of my journey, the place where everything would make sense for me.

All together I spent only 6 months in Japan, but it sure felt like 6 years. And pretty much every day during those 6 months, the country reminded me in countless ways, that
I’m on my own.

Wouldn’t say I found what I was looking for here, but I sure found what i was meant to find, the last piece of the puzzle that would help put everything together, so that I can move on.

Japan taught me that solitude doesn’t mean not having love, friends or family around you, it’s something deeper. You can feel it in the air, on the trees, on people’s faces, on the buildings, it’s everywhere, you can’t escape it and everyone there knows it.

It’s not a coincidence that Japan has by far higher suicide rates than any other country.

It’s not about the stress in the working life or the pressure and competition everyone’s exposed to, it’s not about having to support your family and live up to whatever crazy expectations they have, it’s not about people being shy or afraid relationships.



Death is in the air and you can feel it the second you set foot in Japan.

And even though, while being in Japan I’m in touch with my true self, my true nature. I understand why I exist this universe, I can understand and accept my destiny, I’m actually quite happy to know, that I’ll be out of here soon.